Request for Support

I am fundraising to buy a hiking backpack for a walking pilgrimage to find a more-suitable monastery

Dear friends,

I am writing with a request for your support and to give you an update on my journey.

I put the request upfront because I want to be honest and, to be honest, asking for help is uncomfortable for me. I feel sheepish about getting in touch because I need help ~ like I don’t get in touch when I don’t need help. I have been somewhat reclusive lately because that is what Bodhivana promotes and because I thought that is what monasticism requires, but I’m not so sure of that anymore 🤔 Engaged Buddhism is a thing, and even monks are doing it.

But I can’t get too deep into the details of why I’m leaving Bodhivana ~ I have already been drafting this post for nearly a week, and it’s time to hit send.

There is attachment to self and independence at play in my vacillation here (to ask, or not to ask for help ~ that is the question), but I won’t hit you with the dharma stuff too early! I wish I could say that I was just writing to give you an update on my journey, but that would be Wrong Speech 👈🏼 more dharma! 🤦🏼‍♂️

We can talk about the neuroscience of attachment later as well ~ you will see that the personal website where this newsletter is coming from is loosely themed around these two subjects. Or dharma and psychology. Again with the vacillation.

The request is for help with purchasing a hiking backpack so I can continue my journey to find a monastery that is suitable for ordination. I have no money because I jettisoned my few possessions and what little money I did have, to go full-tilt into the path of homelessness and … I guess I was a bit premature.

I have set up a GoFundMe campaign, which you will see is listed in the Faith category, and I can tell you: it felt weird to list my campaign in that category, but it also felt completely appropriate because I have been thinking a lot about faith recently, which I never thought I would say.

I never thought I would talk about faith, “Because I am not a religious person”, I would say, and that remains true. But I have faith in something far more profound than religion, and that is faith in our individual capacity to see reality more clearly so that we don’t suffer so much ~ as individuals, but also as communities … of course, where individuals are suffering, so are their communities, and vice versa.

For me to develop this capacity so that I can help others develop it, I first need to find a community where I am supported to develop the capacity, &c. It’s a mission.

But yes, I will try to keep this brief.

I have been through a crisis of faith recently, and have decided to move on from Bodhivana in search of a monastery that is more suitable for my ordination. And I intend to do this in the form of a walking pilgrimage inspired by the wandering monks of old.

Trouble is, I don’t have any money because, yeah, I threw all my eggs into the ordaining-at-Bodhivana basket. I want to leave my eggs in the ordination basket, so I won’t be going back on the dole and I won’t be going back to work ~ because, this is my work.

I have learnt something about eggs during my stay at Bodhivana, which is that I am kind of an all-or-nothing person. Not kind of ~ that would be a contradiction. All my life I have thrown myself into things without due consideration, which is both a curse and a blessing.

Now, having got myself into a position where I have jettisoned all my belongings before I knew whether I would be staying at this monastery long-term, I see that I need to not let myself fall into full dependence on a single institution ~ I need to lean-into a new way of being that demands I reach out for support, because my ‘work’, for want of a better word (purpose? calling?) is that of an in(ter)dependent contemplative and (until I ordain) an 8-precept lay renunciant wandering in search of a teacher and a community of practice, where my work is to:

• cultivate the mind and heart in meditation,

• study, research, write and publish about this cultivation practice (with a focus on where dharma and Western psychology converge),

• and complete writing a book.

And I do this in service, (mostly) free of charge because learning and sharing the dharma is, in my opinion, the highest form of giving. (I say ‘mostly’ because while I am on 8 precepts I will be receiving and handling money, until I do find an institution where I can reliably ordain and renounce money altogether.) Really, that is what I am asking you to support: the dharma and the future we can realise by living according to values other than mainstream materialism.

So I am asking you to support me but I am just an instrument of the dharma, and believing in that about myself is also something that I am wanting to lean-into.

I mentioned faith earlier, and yeah, it’s not something I ever thought I would consider. Buddhism appeals to me because it is grounded in rational, empirical investigation of our relationship with reality. I didn’t think it required faith, but something very central that I have learnt in my time here at Bodhivana is that becoming a monastic requires a massive leap of faith, over a precipitous cavern of doubt and confusion.

In becoming a monastic I am resolving to leave behind the world of sensory pleasure with faith that practising what Buddha taught will cultivate the conditions in my heart and mind for the burgeoning of a pleasure that comes from beyond the senses ~ not pleasure, but I don’t yet know the word for it, though I have experienced it, in small doses. In Pali it is called nirāmisa-sukha.

For one thing, this will make me less dependent on consuming for pleasure, and through my dharma work I want to help others to innoculate ourselves against the pull of consumerism into distraction, alienation, depression, dis-ease, and all the symptoms of pouring our energy into seeking happiness where it doesn’t exist, in material or worldly pleasure.

It wells the emotions to say that, but it’s true ~ I have tasted the fruits of a dedicated dharma practice and the ‘pleasure’ (contentment? equanimity? transcendent ease?) that results is, legit, otherworldly. And yet, it is not. It is not otherworldly at all. It is 100% of this world and each and every one of us can train the heart and mind to experience it.

I didn’t really mean to wax lyrical like this and I said I wouldn’t hit you with the dharma too soon, but if you’re reading this you probably know me well enough to understand that this is just how/what I am.

I do genuinely need a backpack to embark on the next stage of my journey, but more than that, I understand as I write this, I am reaching out for a backpack to ask for a vote of confidence in my pilgrimage.

I have been going through a crisis of faith not in the dharma, but in some of the institutions that spring up around it, as with any religion. My faith in the dharma remains intact ~ the dharma itself not being a religion, but a lens on truth, and a way of life. And my faith in myself remains intact. And my faith in community, despite how modernity has trashed it.

In the Buddha’s day when folk wanted to do what I am doing they would just stop showering and hit the road. They would walk around with an alms bowl, seeking teachings and sharing what they learnt with anyone who would give them a hamburger. Our culture is not like that anymore, but I am taking a punt on the chance that I can cultivate a bit of that around me. I am on a journey to find a teacher and a community of practice so that I can continue dedicating my life to studying and applying the dharma for the sake of all our wellbeing on this planet.

Due to not wanting to put all my eggs in one basked, I am sending this request through a new Substack called Passages, where I intend to share updates and musings. (T)here I hope to gather a community who might throw in the ocassional donation, helping me to keep another egg-basket alongside in the event that I have to travel for a long time to find the right monastery.

Does that make sense? Shoot me a question if you have any. I really do need to just hit send on this, and trust that I can fill in any gaps later. I have a weird ‘completionist’ thing lately, which is kind of like perfectionism but where every thing I do never feels complete. Does that make sense?

Through Passages I also have plans to establish a semi-regular video meeting for anyone interested in sharing about the dharma and meditation. Let me know if that’s something you would like to join. It will be loose and informal. This is how the alms mendicants of old would travel and support themselves, by exchanging dharma for material support.

But that’s for later. For now, isn’t it interesting?, that I would feel sheepish about asking for help because I have no money. If I did have money I would just buy a bag and my contact with y’all would continue in the haphazard way that characterises twenty-first century digital communication. And off I would go on my own, having spent money I thought was my own, on a bag I would think was my own. Shouldn’t that be more embarrassing!? That I would think I could do anything on my own.